This post was written September 18, 2012. It’s hard for me to read. It brings back the fear we felt as we held hands wondering what was going to happen. It is also a reminder of how we decided to get through this together. It is difficult for me to share something so personal and yet I feel it is important if you are to know and understand just how miraculous Leo’s life is.
I told Mike about the baby tonight. It was hard to tell him. I told him that we needed to talk. I told him that we were expecting a baby. I don’t think he believed me at first. I started to cry. I told him that I was scared. We sat together quietly. We held hands. We cried.
How did this happen? I knew this was going to be one of Mike’s first questions. We had been so careful. We knew we had to avoid pregnancy and had chosen to follow our faith and use Natural Family Planning. We know it works and works well. We were diligent to the point that abstaining was affecting our marriage. Never before had we had a barrier between us. We could be together whenever we wanted. Now we had to check the calendar and check all the signs of fertility before we could be together. It was a strain for sure. Still, knowing how important it was that we not get pregnant we followed the rules to the letter. Plus, we knew that using artificial birth control wasn’t something that we could use as it was so clearly against our faith and beliefs. So how could I be pregnant if we were so very careful?
I told Mike that I believed stress played a very big role in how I got pregnant. We had gone to the funeral for our friend’s baby boy. It was hard on us. It was a huge reminder of our own losses, especially of William. It was hard to see him, to see the pain that our friends were going through, to go to the cemetery to see him buried, to hear his mother crying beside his grave. It was hard to see Mike cry. It was hard for me to hold back my own tears. I would sob all the way home from the funeral, grieving for our own baby and all our losses, including the loss of our fertility. I believe that the stress of the pain we were in caused me to ovulate much later than I should have. Had that week been a normal week I have no doubt that I would not be pregnant now. Still, it wasn’t normal and I am pregnant. I can only think that despite all our vigorous efforts to detail that God still was in control and I am pregnant for a very specific purpose.
We know what we are going to be counseled to do. It will be wisest for me to abort this baby. To save my life I know that I must give up this little one. I know that’s what the doctors say. I can’t do it though. There is no way I can ever even think about aborting this baby. It goes against everything I believe and know to be right and holy. I can’t. I would never kill one of my other children to save my own life, I won’t kill this child either. His/her life is every bit as important as my own. I love him/her so much already. I would rather die knowing I tried to give life to this baby than to live knowing I took life.
I’m not sure how we will get through this but we will. We have each other and we have our faith. I am praying so often that God will see fit to let me make it through this pregnancy as well as letting my baby live too. I want so badly to hold this little one and to tell her how much I loved her from the moment I knew she was there. I will gladly give my life for this baby but I pray that God doesn’t ask that of me. I ask it not for myself but for my husband and my children. I guess I do ask for myself as well… I want to grow old with my husband and children and bask in their love all the days of my life. I don’t want to miss out on their birthdays, first dates, graduations, marriages, the births of their children, my anniversaries with Mike, our vacations, growing old together… I want to be here for it all. I pray that God allows me that gift too