Broken

This post was originally written on August 30, 2007. It was written as we grieved for our son Dominic who we lost on August 28, 2007. While we had lost many other babies before, this would be our first public loss and the first loss that our children would know about. It made our suffering that much harder to go through. To read this now still brings me to tears. I remember writing it as if it was written yesterday… the pain I felt then is made new each time I read this. We would know further suffering later but I always come back to this post as it thoroughly explains how I felt losing our precious son who was loved by so many in the short time he lived and why we continue to trust in God’s will for our family.

Have you ever dropped something made of glass? When it lands it either shatters or breaks into a million pieces. If it hasn’t shattered you may try to pick up the pieces to put it back together the best that you can. Unfortunately you normally find that there are pieces that just don’t go back together or that are missing altogether. Even though you find most of the pieces the object is just never quite the same, never completely whole again. We are feeling this way right now… broken, putting the pieces back together, but knowing that there will always be a piece missing.

Last week we found out that our little baby was not going to make it. At 10 weeks his heart was not beating, my hormone levels were dropping and the tiny glimmer of hope that we had been given the week prior had slipped away from us. We knew that possiblity was there, we had been hopefully watching our baby’s growth for a few weeks, worrying that it wasn’t where it should be but hopeful he would catch up. Thursday we got the news that we feared the most, our hope was gone as was our tiny baby.

The doctor had hoped that my body would do what needed to be done and that I would miscarry over the weekend. My heart, however, had other plans. I guess I just couldn’t give up on the baby that we so desperately hoped and longed for. On Tuesday we went to the hospital for a d&c. Thankfully everything went well and now I am trying to recover physically and we are all trying to recover emotionally.

We have suffered other losses early in pregnancy, most before we’ve told a soul that we are expecting again. I think it has been exceptionally hard because the loss isn’t just Mike’s and mine, it’s our childrens’, it’s our family’s and it’s our friends’ loss as well. All those who love us and love our children are hurting along with us. The kids have taken it pretty hard. Savannah has taken it the hardest. She cried for hours when we told the kids that we had lost our little one. She asked me if I thought the doctor would call back and tell me it was all a mistake. Emma took it hard as well. She was convinced that this newest one would be her “twin” (each of the other kids have a sibling that looks like them, we call them their “twin”). She cried that she already missed her twin. I think to see them in so much pain caused my heart to break even more than it was. They all loved the baby so much already that to them it wasn’t just a baby we were expecting, it was their sibling.

While we don’t know for sure that it was a boy I am very convinced it was. To help in our healing process we decided to name our baby Dominic. The name means “belonging to the Lord”. We know that Dominic will always be a part of our family but he was never meant to spend his time with us. He was meant to be with the Lord. We believe that he is in heaven with the angels looking down on us. The kids especially find great comfort in knowing that they have a little brother in heaven watching over them. They believe he’s with their “rock-n-roll” granny who passed away in February of 2006. She was very special to them and they love the thought of her rocking and holding their baby. It is a very comforting thought!

We hope that one day in the future we’ll announce that we been blessed and are expecting again but for now we are hoping to try to put the pieces of our hearts back together the best we can. We know that there will always be a missing piece but we also know that with God all things are possible. We know that we will heal, we know that we will open our hearts to more children and we will always cherish what little time we had with Dominic. Being completely open to life is hard. It is the willingness to accept any blessings that God gives us but it also the understanding that there may be losses and hardship involved as well. It is knowing that every child that comes our way is perfect for our family regardless of their ablities or disablities. It is knowing that every child is not only ours but God’s as well. It is knowing that God may decide to call that child home before we are ready to let go. It’s a very faith-filled way to live your life. We are trusting that God will do what’s right for our family and will always take care of us. Some don’t understand that way of living but to be honest I couldn’t live any other way. I know that with my life firmly in God’s hands we will be ok. Our hearts will heal and that piece that is missing will be an opening that God can fill with even more love.

I can’t say it’s easy and I can’t say I understand but I can say that with a family as wonderful as mine is we will get through this. Mike has been my rock, the oldest kids have been amazing and the younger kids, while not completely understanding, have been trusting and wonderful. I’ve been blessed in so many ways and am so thankful for my family. We just ask that you keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we continue to heal.

 

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